Effective Communication With NLP & The Enneagram

As mentioned in my earlier post Paradigm Shift, every one of us uses a different map to view the world. As a result of that, the way we process our thoughts into words would differ as well.

Very often, when we talk to others, we use words that make sense to us. We also phrase our sentences in a manner that reflect our reality and beliefs. In NLP, this is known as deep structure, where a speaker have a full and complete idea of what he or she wishes to say. The thing is, this deep structure is not conscious.

From deep structure to surface structure, where we actually say what we are thinking, three things would usually occur unconsciously. Firstly, we generalise. It’s almost impossible to find someone who would specify every possible exceptions and conditions in a normal everyday conversation.

Secondly, we select some of the information available, and leave out the rest. This is known as deletion. And lastly, we simplify the structure of what we want to say, and inevitably distort the meaning of our thoughts.

Here are some common examples

Generalisation: Words such as always, never, all, every, no one.

• He is always late for work (Always? Has he been on time at least once?)

• Good things never happen to me (Never?)

• All students from that school are naughty (All students? Is there at least one good student?)

Deletion: Something is left out of the statement, such as a person, a thing, a reason, an unclear comparison.

• I have bad memory (Who said that? Were you born like this? Has it got to do with the method?)

• That’s silly (What is silly? In what way is it silly?)

• This route is better (Compared to what?)

• That is a bad school (In what way is it bad?)

Distortion: Linking two statements to mean the same thing, presupposing, attempting to read the mind of others.

• She’s not smiling, therefore she’s not enjoying herself (How does not smiling mean she’s not enjoying?)

• Why don’t you smile more? (I don’t smile enough? How much more is enough for you?)

• I could tell she did not like her present (How could you tell?)

Knowing how generalisation, deletion, and distortion can cause ambiguities in our interpersonal communication allows us to be more aware of what we say. At the same time, it allows us to be conscious and aware of what others are saying to us.

This awareness can empower us, and also allow us to empower others, especially if you are receiving information during a conversation. The other party could be generalising, deleting and distorting their sentences because of past experiences or limiting beliefs, and a question or rephrase from you could help them significantly.

Two of the first self improvement books i read were Follow Your Heart and Being a Happy Teen by Andrew Matthews. These two rank among my favourite books, and i still talk about them in some of my trainings.

A chapter in Being A Happy Teen talks about how important it is to always give our best in what we do. Even if we do not succeed, we still feel a sense of happiness for giving our all. When you give your best, people can feel it, and they will appreciate it.

One story i remember fondly in the book talks about how, at the Sydney Olympics in 2000, the world was brought to its feet by someone who totally personified the Olympic spirit. Eric Moussambani swam for Equatorial Guinea in the 100 meters event. The thing is, Eric has never seen an Olympic swimming pool before. He trains in a little hotel pool when there are no guests around.

During the heats, the other two competitors were disqualified for false starts, so Eric swam against the clock himself. It was the first time Eric had ever swum in a 100 meters race, and he was struggling to finish even the first lap! In the second lap, he was nearly drowning!

But Eric refused to give up, and fought with everything he could give. As he struggled his way back, the noise in the arena was deafening! With every stroke, the noise got louder. Some spectators were crying, some were praying, some could not even bear to watch. When Eric finally hit the wall, he brought the roof down!

Eric clocked a time of 1 minute 52 seconds, probably one of the slowest times in Olympic history. But did anyone care? No! He became a hero in everybody’s heart. Just by giving his best!

I’m sure many of us had such an experience before. When you were touched by the determination and courage of individuals, and couldn’t help but root for them. Of course, you might think to yourself, “But that’s the Olympics.. I’m just swimming in a small school meet”.

Well hey, do your best in a school meet, and someone will spot you and you might one day swim in the Olympics as well. Make it a point to give your best, however small scale it may be, and it’ll lead to the bigger stage.

Are you giving your best?

Very often in my trainings, i come across individuals who are not willing to give their best for various reasons. Here are some of the common ones,

“”The customers don’t deserve it” – If you think about it clearly, the customers don’t suffer because of the lack of effort. Usually the one who ends up on the losing end is the staff. A lot is at stake here. Morale, Reputation, Self Worth, Career, etc.

“I’ll put in more effort if my salary increases” – This is an interesting statement, because if I’m the boss, I’ll be looking at it the other way round. “I’ll increase your salary, when you put in more effort”.

“Nobody recognises my work, why should i work so hard?” – How do you know? You never know who is observing your work. And if you’re in customer service, you never know who your customer really is, and the potential opportunities that could be coming your way.

Of course, I’m not saying we should give our best because of secondary gains. The bottom line is, it is important to give our best because it builds up our character. Always giving our best builds up the respect for ourselves. We live our life with integrity and self worth, and results will show eventually.

In my previous post, i gave an overview of the Enneagram and the nine personality types in it. A point i wish to highlight again is the dynamic nature of the Enneagram. Though there are nine basic types, each type has nine levels of health ranging from Healthy to Average to Unhealthy.

Also, each type has two other numbers beside it, known as the wings. A person will likely possess attributes or characteristics of one or both wings. Next are the lines. The lines indicate the integration and disintegration points of each type. Also known as growth and stress points, it describes the positive characteristics an individual will show when they are feeling motivated and empowered, as well as the negative characteristics when they are under stress.

Taking everything into consideration, you’re easily looking at hundreds of possible combinations. Which is exactly what human nature is all about. We develop and evolve through environmental influences, teachings, experiences, etc. Every one of us is dynamic in that sense, and the Enneagram fits in nicely with that aspect.

Brief description of the nine personality types

I’ve included brief descriptions of all nine types below. These descriptions are the works of two well known Enneagram experts, Don Riso and Russ Hudson. The names given to each personality type reflect traits that are relatively healthy. You may also come across other Enneagram authors who assign different names. Do remember that these names are just for reference purposes, and the traditional Enneagram is number based, simply because numbers are more neutral.

Type One – The Reformer

The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

Type Two – The Helper

The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

Type Three – The Achiever

The adaptable, success-oriented type. Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their Best: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.

Type Four – The Individualist

The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Type Five – The Investigator

The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way

Type Six – The Loyalist

The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent “troubleshooters,” they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Type Seven – The Enthusiast

The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Type Eight – The Challenger

The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.

Type Nine – The Peacemaker

The easy-going, self-effacing type. Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

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The nine types in all of us

As you read about the various types, you may see yourself in some, or even all nine types. That is perfectly normal. For example, we may come across a type two moment when we help someone, and feel a sense of joy when their face lights up with gratitude and happiness. Or we may come across a type five moment when we get so absorbed in learning something and feeling a sense of superiority after mastering it.

In order to find out what your core type really is, you would need to dig deeper and understand what your core values are. In other words, what is your fundamental motivation when you are in your downtime, just being yourself. This point is also something you have to keep in mind when you are profiling someone else.

The Enneagram’s dynamic nature means that there is almost no end to learning, which makes it more intriguing for me. If you’re interested to learn more about it, do keep a lookout for future postings, where I’ll touch on more areas about the Enneagram.

For now, if you’re still pondering about your type, do take a look at my previous post on The Enneagram and check out the available Enneagram Resources.

You may have heard of the saying “Knowing your enemy is half the battle won”. Being able to understand others puts you in a better position in Interpersonal Communication. When you know the personality of the person whom you are communicating with, you understand how to phrase your words so that your points gets across effectively. In other words, you are responsible for the way you communicate.

I’ve come across several profiling systems, and one that i find extremely useful is the Enneagram (Pronounced Any-a-gram). The Enneagram is a dynamic and accurate map of human nature that explains our underlying motivation for existence. Ennea is the Greek word for nine, so the Enneagram translates loosely to mean “Nine Diagram”.

There are speculations that the Enneagram originated way back in Babylon in 2500B.C. Despite the possibilities that the Enneagram was first used a long time ago, it is still very accurate and widely used today because human nature has not changed.

Design of the Enneagram

As you can see, the diagram is made up of nine points on a circle, with interconnecting lines. Each point is marked by a number from one to nine. Each number represents one of the nine basic personality types, which are interrelated with one another as indicated by the connecting lines.

A key element of the Enneagram lies in the connecting lines, indicating the direction to evolve in order to fulfil the potential of a given personality type, rather than staying put at a spot. In addition, there are nine levels of development for all types, varying from Healthy, Average, to Unhealthy. So developing within a type to achieve the healthiest level also ensures a more fulfilled life.

An important point to bear in mind about the Enneagram is the use of numbers to define each type. Unlike other profiling systems that use words, the Enneagram uses numbers because of the neutral representation. Words are likely to be received with judgement, whereas numbers are neutral.

Another point to note is that there are no superior personality types. All types have their strengths and areas for caution, and can all achieve vast success when at their healthy best. Of course, certain types might be more valued due to cultural or societal differences.

Short description of the nine personality types

Type 1: Principled, Orderly, Self controlled, Purposeful, Perfectionist, Self righteous.
Type 2: Caring, Generous, People pleasing, Possessive, and Manipulative.
Type 3: Adaptable, Ambitious, Image conscious, Driven, Excelling, Hostile.
Type 4: Expressive, Intuitive, Self absorbed, Temperamental, Depressive, Melancholic,
Type 5: Perceptive, Original, Detached, Innovative, Secretive, Procrastinate a lot.
Type 6: Responsible, Engaging, Committed, Loyal, Anxious, Suspicious, Defensive.
Type 7: Enthusiastic, Spontaneous, Versatile, Scattered, Distracted, Restless.
Type 8: Self confident, Dominating, Decisive, Confrontational, Combative, Wilful.
Type 9: Peaceful, Reassuring, Agreeable, Complacent, Receptive, Neglecting

I’ll be posting more about the Enneagram over time. If you are eager to learn more about it, or wish to take some tests to find out what type you could be, do check out the links below.

Free Enneagram Profiling Tests:

Enneagram Institute – Riso Hudson Personality Tests

Eclectic Energies – Eclectic Energies Enneagram Tests

The term Paradigm Shift was first introduced by Thomas Kuhn in his book, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Today, the word paradigm is commonly used to represent a thought pattern or perception, which in turn affects our attitudes and behaviours. Paradigm Shift in this sense means to change our limiting thoughts and perceptions.

The Map Is Not The Territory - A map is simply an explanation of how an actual territory is like. It lists details such as buildings and roads, however, the map is not the actual territory, it is just a representation.

Every one of us would agree that the illustration above makes sense. Some might even add that it is common sense. Now, if we stop to think about it, many of us are actually making the mistake of treating our map as THE territory. Allow me to draw some parallels here.

The territory here refers to the actual world out there, the world that goes on without our control. The map refers to our perception of the world. Every one uses a different map, depending on culture, society, upbringing, language, experiences, etc. In a nutshell, we perceive the world according to our maps, our realities. How i perceive a given situation may not be the same as you, and vice versa. Yet, how often have we treated our reality as the only reality?

For The World To Change, I Must First Change – This statement places you in an empowering state of mind by acknowledging that you are in control of your thoughts. The moment you change your perception, the world around you changes too.

In Stephen R. Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he wrote about an experience he had in a train. A man and his kids boarded the train, and while his kids were yelling and throwing things around, he just sat there doing nothing. It was clear that everyone in the train was irritated, and when he couldn’t take it anymore, Covey turned to the man and asked if he could control his kids. The man apologised and explained that he was feeling at a loss because the kids’ mother died in hospital just an hour ago.

Imagine how his perception would have changed immediately, and how that change would have led him from a feeling of irritation to one of compassion. Bringing up this story is just to reinforce the idea that what we see and think may not be what it really is. We choose what we want to perceive as our reality. Being aware of this allows us to constantly place ourselves in an empowering state of mind, and make us better communicators!