Effective Communication With NLP & The Enneagram

I was talking to a friend of mine some days back, and we stumbled upon the topic on happiness. If you think about it, all babies are happy. It’ll probably take some mammoth effort to find a baby that frowns all the time. True, babies cry, and that’s only because crying is their form of communication.

In fact, there are many things we can learn from babies. If you observe a baby who is learning to walk, that baby will likely fall countless times in the process. The thing is, the baby is also unlikely to sit down and think “walking is difficult, i think I’ll forget it”. Despite being taken out of their comfort zone of being carried around, babies still strive on and eventually make the breakthrough by walking without support.

How does this translate to adulthood? In situations where we are taken out of our comfort zone and we learn to survive, there’s usually an amount of personal growth within us. Yet people still whine and complain about unexpected changes.

Some of us might say, “But we have no choice”. Which brings me to my next point. We always have a choice on choosing the reactions we communicate. You see, the beautiful thing about being a human is that we are aware of our reactions towards external stimuli.

Many of you would have read or heard about Pavlov’s dog, the experiment where the dog was conditioned to salivate whenever he hears a bell because it triggers the thought of food. The dog can’t choose it’s response, it is more of an instinctive response. The dog isn‘t even aware of the programming and conditioning that has taken place.

Humans on the other hand, are aware of such things. When something causes us to have a reaction, we are aware of it. And if we are aware of it, we can choose how we want to react! While animals are generally reactive towards stimulus, humans can choose whether to react, and how to react.

So the next time something unpleasant happens and you’re triggered to react immediately, tell yourself, you have a choice on how to react. You can choose to take the action that would make you happier. When you are aware of the choices you have, you empower yourself immediately. Conversely, if you choose to react without thinking, then you’ve just given away your self empowerment.

“Anyone who doesn’t think that he or she is in an argument is probably in one”

In an argument, voices are bound to be raised. The thing is, once you raise your voice, it no longer becomes a difference in opinions. It becomes a a war of emotions. Raising your voice at anyone, especially in a tense situation where opinions differ, will only serve to trigger the defensive nature of the other party. When that happens, it becomes a matter of who is louder, rather than what is right.

So the next time you are in a situation where you have the urge to start raising your voice, Stop! Take a step back and breathe. Take in oxygen and allow yourself to think. Shouting will not get you anywhere (except maybe a sore throat and a trip to the doctor). So make a decision to work on the problem, not on emotions.

If the other party engages you in a shouting match, you have a choice – Would you want to join in and potentially cause more harm, or would you rather put it on hold till the tension is gone? Do you want to empower the situation, or yourself?

Do you have a fear of public speaking? If you think you do, the next question to ask yourself is this: “What is the size of the crowd that appears in your mind when you think about public speaking?”

I was talking to a friend over the weekend about public speaking, and he told me, “There’s no way I can speak in front of a crowd. Just the thought of it scares me silly” So the conversation went on like this:

“What’s the size of the crowd you have in mind?”

“Maybe a few hundred? I see an auditorium full of people”

“Oh. What if you changed the scenario to a tiny classroom with four people?”

“Huh? Four people? That’s not public speaking right?”

I think many people have the same perception as my friend. When it comes to public speaking, the first thing that comes to mind is the thought of many many people. As far as I’m concerned, speaking to two others can be public speaking too. Over the years, I’ve helped many people improve on their public speaking skills, and the one thing that consistently gives them encouragement and assurance is the referential experience of having done it before.

So to speak to a crowd of a hundred without first having the experience of speaking to a crowd of say.. seventy, is like having to cook for a christmas dinner without first knowing how to cook instant noodles (Ok, that’s the best example I can come up with at this hour).

My point of saying all these is, if the thought of speaking in front of a large crowd scares you, then start small. Use that as a reference to acknowledge that you can handle a particular group size, then progressively move on to larger audiences. It is a slow and sure way of building up the confidence for speaking to large number of people.

One important factor behind being an effective communicator is to take responsibility of the communication. In other words, when our messages are not being received correctly by our audiences, it is our responsibility to make suitable changes. Instead of expecting others to suit the way we communicate, we have to be pro-active and adapt so that our messages goes across to them.

Just yesterday, I was having dinner with some like minded friends. One of them was about to have her examinations, and we touched on the topic of examination strategies, and here is where the problem occurred.

Having tried and succeeded in getting desired results time and again, I went on to share with her a strategic style of answering an essay question. And because this is something that I’m passionate about, I got really excited and as a result, the pace of my speech increased as well. So I went on and on, giving various examples in the process.

Some time later, another friend entered our conversation and very correctly pointed out that I wasn’t matching my friend’s pace. As I was going on and on and getting all excited, the friend of mine was trying to keep up because this was something new for her. I had neglected to be responsible with my communication and as a result, my tempo was going off, and I was speaking too fast for her to process the information. In NLP terms, I was breaking rapport with her.

So I i took corrective measures immediately. First, I slowed down my thought processing, and broke my delivery into small segments. I put in more pauses,  asked for feedback and looked for agreement before continuing. As I changed my conversation style, her body language changed too. She started to relax more and showed more agreement signs like nodding and smiling.

This example reflects very clearly, that the moment we take responsibility for our conversation and adapt our style to suit our audience, the receptivity increases. So the next time you find that your point is not getting across to someone else, take a step back and consider if you are empowering yourself by taking responsibility for your communication.

In my previous post on NLP Representational Systems, I mentioned about the preferences we have when processing information, and how that affects interpersonal communication.

The primary representational systems for most of us are Visual, Audio and Kinesthetic. There is a smaller number of people who might use Gustatory and Olfactory as their primary systems. Usually, these two are included in the kinesthetic sense, or serve as links to associated pictures or sounds.

A point to remember is that representational systems are not mutually exclusive. It is possible to recall a scene, and include the sounds and feelings simultaneously, though it is quite rare for three to be used together all the time. Most of us tend to have one or two representation systems that we prefer when thinking.

Also, it is possible to develop and improve. For example, a person who is mostly visual might have difficulty learning music initially. However, with practice, they can also develop the audio aspect of their representational systems.

Research have shown that people with similar representation systems tend to prefer similar choice of words, and build rapport faster. To put it simply, a visual person would tend to use more visual words, and so on.

Here are some examples

Visual

We share the same vision
I see what you mean
I see your point of view
Seems like a good idea
That’s a bright dress
I can’t picture that

Audio

We share the same frequency
Sounds like a good idea
Can I voice my opinion?
That’s a loud dress
That’s unheard of
Hear you loud and clear

Kinesthetic

Got a good feeling about this
Can’t quite put my hand on it
That’s a comfortable dress
Hang in there
What do you feel like having?
Feels like a cosy place

Auditory Digital (Refers to internal dialogue)

I think it’s a good idea
Doesn’t quite make sense
Let me ponder about it
What’s the logic behind it?

Do note that because of the influence of media and books, it is common for people to use phrases that might depict a certain representational system even though it is not their preferred one. The key here is consistency in their speech.

So the next time you talk to someone, notice the words they use. Or when they recall something, notice what comes to their mind first. This might give you an insight to their preferred representational system, and allow you to be more responsible for your interpersonal communication by using words that suits them.