How do you normally handle such situations? How do you empower yourself or your friends, and bring them from a “limitation state” into an empowered state?

One of the quickest way is to use “How Questions”. How questions allow you to turn people around easily. When faced with challenges, we usually think of limitations and things that we can’t do. This is normal, and very human.

So for example, a friend of yours tells you there is no way he or she would be able to complete the marathon you’ve both signed up for. Instead of just encouraging by saying things like “Of course you can!” or “I’m sure you can do it”, empower that person by asking “How can you start training up for the marathon?”

This puts the person in a state of mind where he or she must now think of actions to take, in order to be ready for the marathon.

Likewise, if someone were to say “I’m not confident enough to speak in front of people”, you can empower that person by asking “How can you start to be relaxed about public speaking?”

So there you go. Start using statements that shift your mind towards possibilities instead of limitations, and increase your influence!

1. Sweaty palms
2. Faster heart beat
3. “Butterflies” in their stomach
4. Inability to move away from their speaking position
5. Terror of looking at the audience
6. Total or partial memory loss (of the things they need to say)
7. And some others which i can’t think of now =P

It is common knowledge that even the most experienced of speakers may come across some form of nervousness or anxiety when speaking in front of a crowd, so having a fear of public speaking is actually normal. Of course, this limitation could hinder our progress, both in our careers and personal lives.

Here are some tips to help reduce the amount of nervousness during public speaking:

1. Preparation and Practice

Even top experienced speakers spend a decent amount of time preparing for their talks and speeches, this goes to show how important preparation can be. With a healthy amount of preparation and practice, you’ll be extremely familiar with the topic that you’re presenting. This familiarity gives you a certain level of comfort and puts you in a better state of mind to begin presenting.

One of the best ways to prepare yourself is to visualise yourself presenting. The more vivid and accurate your visualisation, the more effective it’ll be. Things like knowing the sequence of your slides or visual aids, the position you’ll stand, the layout of the venue, the number and sitting arrangement of the audience, the tone and volume of your voice, etc. will all add on to the effectiveness of your preparation.

2. Arrive early and start working

Arrive early at the venue to set up your equipments. Know the layout well – Information such as the best spot to stand, the way walk around the room, the view that your audience will be seeing, will be useful when you start presenting. More importantly, start working by building rapport with your audience.

Unless you’re a guest speaker who is allocated a slot in the middle of a program, you should be able to meet the audience before the start of the presentation. Use rapport building skills to get to know them, this will reduce the amount of anxiety when you look at them during presentation.

3. Breathe and pause when speaking

Before you can start thinking about using words that suit your audience better, you have to be able to speak with ease. One of the things I realise about nervous speakers is that they deprive themselves of the opportunity to breathe and pause.

Pausing is extremely useful because it allows you to breathe and compose yourself, look at the audience to see if they are following you, and think about the next point you want to talk about. (Occasionally, if you wish to crack a joke, a pause builds up the effect too).

Of course, with more experience, the amount of things that you can process in your mind during that short pause will increase too. When that happens, you know that you are making progress in public speaking.

So there you go. Some simple tips to help you ease the discomfort of public speaking. Give it a shot and let me know if it helps!

Very often, we are so caught up with the urgent stuff in life and we seek instant gratification for the things we do. As a result, we neglect to do the important things that will make a difference for ourselves in the long run.

Going for a run may not give instant results. However, do it on a regular basis and the rewards may slowly appear. Reading a book may not provide instant success. However, the knowledge that you learn and apply may eventually add greater value to your life, and perhaps even to the people around you.

So take a moment and ponder about it. What will you do today, that will matter tomorrow or in the long run?

How do you normally handle such situations?
How do you empower yourself or your friends, and bring them from a “limitation state” into an empowered state?

One of the quickest way is to use “How Questions”. How questions allow you to turn people around easily. When faced with challenges, we usually think of limitations and things that we can’t do. This is normal, and very human.

So for example, a friend of yours tells you there is no way he or she would be able to complete the marathon you’ve both signed up for. Instead of just encouraging by saying things like “Of course you can!” or “I’m sure you can do it”, empower that person by asking “How can you start training up for the marathon?”

This puts the person in a state of mind where he or she must now think of actions to take, in order to be ready for the marathon.

Likewise, if someone were to say “I’m not confident enough to speak in front of people”, you can empower that person by asking “How can you start to be relaxed about public speaking?”

So the next time you encounter a situation where you face limitations, remind yourself that you can choose to continue concentrating on the limitations, or empower yourself and others by choosing to think about possibilities. Start using statements that shift your mind towards possibilities instead of limitations, and increase your influence today!

That is an interesting statement actually. First of all, it shows that the friend of mine knows her immediately reaction is due to conditioning. External factors have probably shaped her to react in a certain manner towards a certain stimulus. The reaction could be positive or negative, but the fact that she is aware of it means she can choose the way she wants to react.

A simple method to use is to introduce a lag time. I’m a person who generally prefer to process information before reacting (and thats why my friends say I can be lagging at times), unless it is in a situation such as sports, where heightened awareness is required and reactions need to be fast.

When we communicate in our everyday lives however, lag times can be extremely useful. Our mind is powerful enough to process quite a fair bit of information during those few seconds, and it can make a huge difference between reacting immediately and regretting your actions, or considering your choices and making the most appropriate one.

In anger management courses, we are told to take a few deep breaths when our fuse is about to blow. That’s all about giving yourself the luxury of a lag time to process your thoughts and weigh your options!

So the next time you find yourself in a situation where a stimulus is prompting or triggering a response from you, give yourself the luxury of a lag time. Take a few deep breaths and consider your choices. With practice, you’ll probably be fast enough to even understand the situation from different points of view, empowering yourself more.

Remember, when you are aware of your choices before choosing to react, you empower yourself!

In fact, there are many things we can learn from babies. If you observe a baby who is learning to walk, that baby will likely fall countless times in the process. The thing is, the baby is also unlikely to sit down and think “walking is difficult, i think I’ll forget it”. Despite being taken out of their comfort zone of being carried around, babies still strive on and eventually make the breakthrough by walking without support.

How does this translate to adulthood? In situations where we are taken out of our comfort zone and we learn to survive, there’s usually an amount of personal growth within us. Yet people still whine and complain about unexpected changes.

Some of us might say, “But we have no choice”. Which brings me to my next point. We always have a choice on choosing the reactions we communicate. You see, the beautiful thing about being a human is that we are aware of our reactions towards external stimuli.

Many of you would have read or heard about Pavlov’s dog, the experiment where the dog was conditioned to salivate whenever he hears a bell because it triggers the thought of food. The dog can’t choose it’s response, it is more of an instinctive response. The dog isn‘t even aware of the programming and conditioning that has taken place.

Humans on the other hand, are aware of such things. When something causes us to have a reaction, we are aware of it. And if we are aware of it, we can choose how we want to react! While animals are generally reactive towards stimulus, humans can choose whether to react, and how to react.

So the next time something unpleasant happens and you’re triggered to react immediately, tell yourself, you have a choice on how to react. You can choose to take the action that would make you happier. When you are aware of the choices you have, you empower yourself immediately. Conversely, if you choose to react without thinking, then you’ve just given away your self empowerment.

“Anyone who doesn’t think that he or she is in an argument is probably in one”

In an argument, voices are bound to be raised. The thing is, once you raise your voice, it no longer becomes a difference in opinions. It becomes a a war of emotions. Raising your voice at anyone, especially in a tense situation where opinions differ, will only serve to trigger the defensive nature of the other party. When that happens, it becomes a matter of who is louder, rather than what is right.

So the next time you are in a situation where you have the urge to start raising your voice, Stop! Take a step back and breathe. Take in oxygen and allow yourself to think. Shouting will not get you anywhere (except maybe a sore throat and a trip to the doctor). So make a decision to work on the problem, not on emotions.

If the other party engages you in a shouting match, you have a choice – Would you want to join in and potentially cause more harm, or would you rather put it on hold till the tension is gone? Do you want to empower the situation, or yourself?

I was talking to a friend over the weekend about public speaking, and he told me, “There’s no way I can speak in front of a crowd. Just the thought of it scares me silly” So the conversation went on like this:

“What’s the size of the crowd you have in mind?”

“Maybe a few hundred? I see an auditorium full of people”

“Oh. What if you changed the scenario to a tiny classroom with four people?”

“Huh? Four people? That’s not public speaking right?”

I think many people have the same perception as my friend. When it comes to public speaking, the first thing that comes to mind is the thought of many many people. As far as I’m concerned, speaking to two others can be public speaking too. Over the years, I’ve helped many people improve on their public speaking skills, and the one thing that consistently gives them encouragement and assurance is the referential experience of having done it before.

So to speak to a crowd of a hundred without first having the experience of speaking to a crowd of say.. seventy, is like having to cook for a christmas dinner without first knowing how to cook instant noodles (Ok, that’s the best example I can come up with at this hour).

My point of saying all these is, if the thought of speaking in front of a large crowd scares you, then start small. Use that as a reference to acknowledge that you can handle a particular group size, then progressively move on to larger audiences. It is a slow and sure way of building up the confidence for speaking to large number of people.

Just yesterday, I was having dinner with some like minded friends. One of them was about to have her examinations, and we touched on the topic of examination strategies, and here is where the problem occurred.

Having tried and succeeded in getting desired results time and again, I went on to share with her a strategic style of answering an essay question. And because this is something that I’m passionate about, I got really excited and as a result, the pace of my speech increased as well. So I went on and on, giving various examples in the process.

Some time later, another friend entered our conversation and very correctly pointed out that I wasn’t matching my friend’s pace. As I was going on and on and getting all excited, the friend of mine was trying to keep up because this was something new for her. I had neglected to be responsible with my communication and as a result, my tempo was going off, and I was speaking too fast for her to process the information. In NLP terms, I was breaking rapport with her.

So I i took corrective measures immediately. First, I slowed down my thought processing, and broke my delivery into small segments. I put in more pauses,  asked for feedback and looked for agreement before continuing. As I changed my conversation style, her body language changed too. She started to relax more and showed more agreement signs like nodding and smiling.

This example reflects very clearly, that the moment we take responsibility for our conversation and adapt our style to suit our audience, the receptivity increases. So the next time you find that your point is not getting across to someone else, take a step back and consider if you are empowering yourself by taking responsibility for your communication.

The primary representational systems for most of us are Visual, Audio and Kinesthetic. There is a smaller number of people who might use Gustatory and Olfactory as their primary systems. Usually, these two are included in the kinesthetic sense, or serve as links to associated pictures or sounds.

A point to remember is that representational systems are not mutually exclusive. It is possible to recall a scene, and include the sounds and feelings simultaneously, though it is quite rare for three to be used together all the time. Most of us tend to have one or two representation systems that we prefer when thinking.

Also, it is possible to develop and improve. For example, a person who is mostly visual might have difficulty learning music initially. However, with practice, they can also develop the audio aspect of their representational systems.

Research have shown that people with similar representation systems tend to prefer similar choice of words, and build rapport faster. To put it simply, a visual person would tend to use more visual words, and so on.

Here are some examples

Visual

We share the same vision
I see what you mean
I see your point of view
Seems like a good idea
That’s a bright dress
I can’t picture that

Audio

We share the same frequency
Sounds like a good idea
Can I voice my opinion?
That’s a loud dress
That’s unheard of
Hear you loud and clear

Kinesthetic

Got a good feeling about this
Can’t quite put my hand on it
That’s a comfortable dress
Hang in there
What do you feel like having?
Feels like a cosy place

Auditory Digital (Refers to internal dialogue)

I think it’s a good idea
Doesn’t quite make sense
Let me ponder about it
What’s the logic behind it?

Do note that because of the influence of media and books, it is common for people to use phrases that might depict a certain representational system even though it is not their preferred one. The key here is consistency in their speech.

So the next time you talk to someone, notice the words they use. Or when they recall something, notice what comes to their mind first. This might give you an insight to their preferred representational system, and allow you to be more responsible for your interpersonal communication by using words that suits them.

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